My biggest fear of all...

is...



rather, used to be davenen for the amud, laynen, or doing anything that involved speaking in front of people.
I was even scared to do get aliyos for fear I would fudge up the brachos or do something stupid while everyone in the entire shul is looking at me. You can imagine that my bar mitzvah was the scariest moment of my entire life. As i spit out the parsha as fast as I could the words were audibly distorted by the trembling of my body and the pounding of my chest.

That was the scariest moment of my life until I had to go to be fevered by The Mirrer Rosh Yeshiva in order to be accepted into yeshiva. I was so nervous and petrified that I couldn't speak. I just sat there staring at The Rosh Yeshiva with my mouth agape, sort of in a state of shock. The gabbai grunted a "nu, zog" to snap me back into reality. I was off like a rocket. "hazorek get l'ishto..." "fregt Reb Akiva Eiger a kasha..."
I said the whole pilpul so fast I thought I would be the first bochur to get all the way through one before being accepted or rejected. In retrospect I wonder if R' Nosson Tzvi even understood or even heard a word I said, or if he just figured the easiest way to avoid me throwing up would be by writing that I was accepted.

Fast forward to the present. I am a shliach in a small yeshiva for new bale teshuva. Very few of the bochurim are capable of davening for the amud. On my first day one of the Rabbis looks at me expectingly. I freeze for a moment. Then I realize that this is the best opportunity ever. I have nothing to be afraid of. Even I mess up no one is going to care.

Ive been davening for the amud three times daily for a few weeks now, and although there have been some bumps here and there, everything has for the most part gone smoothly. Now when I go to the amud it comes naturally and I'm not scared at all.

FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY FREE AT LAST!

Also I highly recommend being a gabbai. You're on top of the world when you are the hander out of aliyos and sayer of mishaberachs. :-P